Sorry it took me too long to reply. But I guess this sad truth will say a lot about it, “I think I got used to that awkwardness that we had and not talking to each other”.
IDK what exactly caused this to continue to live but I think that this awkwardness rooted when you just said you overreacted secondary to that stupid guy issue. After that incident I think I started to grow distant because I really hated the fact that we were affected by what he’s done to you. It’s like being blamed from what wrong he’s done. And I said a countless times already of how I hate drama. So probably it was my way of not being involved again. Sorry if I overdid it and had caused you to think I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near you or something.
I know in myself I had tried hardest to lessen or remove any awkwardness that we might have. But human as I am I think I failed my being desire of being drama free prevails. And I couldn’t hate myself more because how could I bear to treat you like that when you are most thoughtful, caring, friendly and nicest towards me. And again awakens the thought that I’m still and won’t ever be deserving of being called your favorite friend because I know for a fact that with that title, inflicting pain doesn’t go with it. I still feel most guilty because why can’t I just be like how I was to you before. And what you’ve done can compensate or can even be more of the hurt you’ve caused.
I know I’m so selfish and self-centered but I guess that’s really what you get of me when you’ve already hurt me. Plus that one time you’ve just didn’t talk to me and made cry in our correlates class (I’ve forgiven that time but I really haven’t forgotten about that). Probably I got tired of everything (same issue, same circumstance, etc). And another thing that I hate are things being on repeat. It accumulates to make hold all my defenses up (makes me even harder, distant, meaner, etc).
I guess I have also taken you and your friendship for granted because you were always there for me. You made me so dependent on you that you forgot about your own happiness. You allowed me to inflict so much pain or play with your emotions and got away with it (reflected by the times when I enjoyed, you being irritated when I teased you about my feelings for a useless guy).
Thank you for teaching me to be patient and sharing even a slightest piece of me (I don’t normally do this and just leave a person hanging with nothing because I don’t like to explain myself because for me it’s a waste of time.) Thank you for the utmost understanding.
This isn’t goodbye because I don’t want to end. I don’t know how will this resolve but I don’t want to be continually ok with our awkwardness.
You don’t protect your heart by pretending you don’t have one. 💘